April Fool's Joke

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Porsche aims to build 1 million cars a year

With the introduction of Macan, Porsche is going to produce more than 200,000 cars this year, 5 times the number it sold just 15 years ago. No one could have predicted a sports car maker could grow to such volume. However, at Zuffenhausen, Porsche CEO Matthias Füller has already started planning a new wave of expansion which will push its annual volume beyond 1 million units. The plan is now under discussion among its top management involving R&D, production and sales. If it gets the greenlight, it will be put to implementation within the next 36 months and hopefully the sales target can be achieved by 2018.

The current line-up of Porsche consists of 2 sports car lines, 2 SUVs, a large luxury sedan and a supercar. This mean further expansion will inevitably calls for enterring other, more mainstream segments. The new product plan centers on 4 new models. The first to be introduced is internally known as 911 Pickup, though it could be named as 911 Carrier Spyder to sound more romantic. Based on the current 991 Turbo S, its front chassis will be replaced with an aluminum tray with immense rigidity for loading heavy items. The extra front-end load will actually improve its balance and allow the car to beat Nismo GT-R in Nurburgring. To further sharpen its handling, the cargo tray will be mounted to the front subframe via several
magnetorheological adaptive mounts to absorb road shocks and ensure the safe transport of fragile items. When the tray is empty, it can be doubled as an active aero foil by adjusting its incline angle. Expect it will easily generate more downforce than McLaren P1. Porsche expects the 911 Pickup will be especially popular in the Southern and Western states of USA.

Left: 928 Pickup was the spiritual predecessor of 911 Pickup, though no where as radical as the latter; Right: Courrera GT Express will rival Ford Transit.

The second model will be called Pullman R, where R stands for Rural. It is aimed to be the world’s fastest tractor to lap the farms outside Nurburgring. Hopefully it will allow Porsche to enter a new market sector previously unthinkable. It will be equipped with an improved Porsche Traction Management to guarantee excellent towing capacity. Power will come from the 3.4-liter flat-six of Cayman, detuned by 10 hp to avoid embarrassing the latter, though you could opt for Sport Chrono pack to restore the power. The Pullman R is expected to sit between the base Cayman and a farming ox.

The third model will be Courrera GT Express, a performance bread van rivaling Ford Transit. To meet customer demand for excellent fuel economy, it will be powered by the 2.0-liter V4 engine and dual energy recovery system of 919 Hybrid, just converted to transversely mounting at the nose. The label “GT” stands for “Grand Transport”, implying its spacious cargo compartment. A “Weissach” pack will be offered to trim its weight by 0.01%. This includes a lightweight polymer film with Martini, Maotai or Wuliangye livery wrapping the body. The latter two will be popular in the Chinese market.

Mass production baby Porsche will be derived from Beetle GSR

The last and also the most important model will be a Golf-size mass market model, preliminarily known as “New 356” as it is derived from Volkswagen Beetle like the original 356. The car will be based on the 911-looking Beetle GSR. As a revenge, Zuffenhausen will make it look like a Volkswagen, such as offering apple green paint and replacing the turbo boost gauge with a vase. Hopefully it will steal a lot of sales from VW. Most of the mechanicals will be sourced from Volkswagen’s parts bin but thoroughly renamed to reflect its premium status and narcissism, such as the Porsche Doppelkupplung (aka DSG), Porsche Traction Management (aka 4motion), Porsche Torque Vectoring (aka XDS electronic differential lock), Porsche Active Suspension Management (aka DCC dynamic chassis control), Porsche Cup Holders, Porsche Door Handles, Porsche Windscreen Wipers, Porsche blahblahblah… Power unit will be made of 2 Volkswagen Up 3-cylinder motors mated at a common crankshaft to form a 2-liter flat-six, like the early 911.

Porsche doesn't afraid the high production volume and high level of component sharing would hurt its exclusive image, if there is any left since the birth of Cayenne. After all, there are plenty of fools out there want to buy Porsche just for the sake of its badge. 1 million sales could be too conservative!

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