April Fool's Joke

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HKG to take over Volkswagen

Exclusive News: Hybrid Kinder Group (HKG), the Hong Kong-listed, China-controlled automotive startup, is in secret negotiation to take over the Volkswagen group.

HKG was first known to the public just last month when it presented a plug-in hybrid kinder choculate saloon called H777 in Madagascar motor show (see news). Although the company has virtually no track records, in China it is reckoned to be the most promising new energy car maker since CYD (Copy Your Dreams), as it masters the state-of-the-art technology of choculate-fed range-extender. The company hires 1194 employees in Hong Kong, about 800 of whom are marketing guys or liars.

HKG H777 concept, whose H stands for Haven-has-a-place-reserved-for-me!

Signs about the acquisition plan leaked late last month as former Volkswagen chairman Ferdinand Piech determined to sell his 14.7 percent stakes in Porsche SE, the holding company that controls 52 percent voting shares of Volkswagen AG, following a series of dispute with the Porsche family headed by his cousin Wolfgang Porsche. Since then Piech has been in talks with various potential buyers, ending up with an agent called LOCPG, which seemed to represent the central government of China.

According to insiders, Piech was deeply touched by the welcome dog meat feast he was served by the Chinese side since none of his relatives are willing to dine with him for many years. Besides, he was gifted a calligraphy penned by the head of LOCPG which is estimated to be worth HK$18.8 million (US$2.4 million), making him wished he should have learned
calligraphy instead of building Bugattis. Moreover, Piech said the price offered by the communist party was simply irresistible, easily trumping Donald Trump's. Therefore, he signed the agreement shortly after drinking 3 glasses of Maotai.

Apart from Dr. Piech, all other members of the Piech family are going to sell their stakes to HKG as well. In addition, Mark Philipp, Ferdinand Oliver and Kai Alexander Porsche, the sons of "Butzi" Ferdinand Alexander Porsche, may join the departure, too. Butzi Porsche was the designer of the original 911 but during his life he was never assigned any management positions in the family business. It is believed that his sons thought their father did not get the respect
he deserved. If they sell their stakes, HKG will be able to take a controlling stake in Porsche SE hence also the Volkswagen group.

Left: Ferdinand Piech;  Right: Mark Philipp, Ferdinand Oliver and Kai Alexander Porsche.

China has been pursuing to take a significant share in global car market in recent years. Under the 13th 5-Year Plan, its car industry is set to expand outside the domestic market and promote "The Chinese Dream". With unlimited support from the mother country, HKG is wealthy enough to buy not only Wolfsburg but also Bayern Munich or even Messi !

According to insiders knowing the matter, HKG chose Volkswagen purely because of the dieselgate crisis. The firm is confident that its choculate-fed range extender hybrid technology will be able to replace the troublesome diesel engines in Volkswagen's lineup. Hopefully this will boost the price of cocoa futures contracts the company has just bought. In shorter terms, HKG can share its common module cheating software platform with Volkswagen to help it pass emission tests. This software is fully compliant with the laws as it does not contain any cheating codes, although it leaves a backdoor for military-grade Chinese hackers to rewrite the engine control software to pass emission tests. Hopefully this will save enormous money and unlock the profit potential of Volkswagen.

Before ending up with VW, the senior management of HKG also considered General Motors seriously, but the latter's withdrawal from European market recently put them off, as this means they will not have free vacations to London, Paris and Milan to please their wives and mistresses. Moreover, its CEO, Wolfman Ying, reckoned the name of General Motors sounds too general, not special enough to catch the attention of Chairman Xi, so it is best left to Sergio Marchionne, who has been chasing the love of GM for life. In contrast, Volkswagen, or People's Car, sounds right to the taste of the Communist Party, according to Ying.

To apply for bank loans, HKG commissioned
a numerology maestro to review the acquisition plan. He discovered that the Volkswagen logo secretly hides its destiny as a Chinese possession: by flipping its V and W upside down, it becomes the Chinese character for "People" ! As a result of the discovery, HKG has designed a new logo for Volkswagen:

The basic design of the new logo is largely unchanged, although its main color is altered for luck, something VW desperately needed. The big star in the middle represents Chairman Xi, who is surrounded by the people or body guards, depending on your view. The 4 smaller stars are said to represent Four Modernizations, a reminder that Chinese people have finally realized "the great rejuvenation of the Chinese nation". However, another source close to the original designer said they are just added to fill up the space.

The biggest hurdle to the purchase is likely to be the so-called "Volkswagen Law" of Lower Saxony, the German state where the Volkswagen headquarters located. It guarantees the state government, which owns 20 percent stake and holds 2 seats on the board, can reject any major strategic decisions. However, it is expected the Lower Saxony will not block the sale under the threat of embargo by China, because the people of Lower Saxony love to wear Chinese socks and underwear, cannot live without them.

Once the acquisition is completed, HKG will launch a massive reform called "Great Leap Foward". The core element of this reform will be replacing the German sausages with Lap Cheong in employee canteens, which is set to be the most ambitious cost cutting program implemented by Volkswagen in decades. However, this plan is likely to face strong opposition from the powerful labour union, which holds half of the 20-seats supervisory board.

To address the problem, HKG plans to revise the employee Code of Conduct with reference to the Basic Law of Hong Kong, which is probably the cleverest law in the world. Under the new CoC, Volkswagen employees will have freedom to choose what to eat, and the chefs will have freedom to decide what to cook, as long as the choices shall "demonstrate the love and loyalty to the company". In case of disputes, the CoC is always subjected to the interpretation of Beijing HQ, of course.

Brilliantly, depending on management needs the interpretation of CoC could be just as flexible as MQB platform. Sometimes for the interest of the company, "white" can be interpreted as "black", "deer" can be interpreted as "horse", the sum of 2 and 2 could be 5, and sausage could mean strictly Lap Cheong. This demonstrates an unprecedented level of customization to the taste of Big Boss. If the labour board member is found violating the interpretation, he will be consigned to history and end up in Lap Cheong, demonstrating his last love and loyalty to the company. Over time, only good guys will be left in the boardroom, and perfect harmony will be achieved. Hopefully this will call an end to the boardroom chaos troubling Volkswagen in the past 5 years.

As for the very important CEO position, HKG has already handpicked a perfect candidate:

Agent 777 might not be as romantic as 007 or as sexy as Scarlett, but she has wealth of experience in dealing with complicated situations and is highly capable to work under immense pressure, obviously. Most important, she never argues with Big Boss. Let us celebrate for the newly selected Chief Executive!

Happy April 1st and good luck Volks !

(Sorry, you need to be a Hongkonger to fully understand this article.)

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