|HKG to take over Volkswagen
Exclusive News: Hybrid Kinder
Group (HKG), the Hong Kong-listed, China-controlled automotive startup,
is in secret negotiation to take over the Volkswagen group.
HKG was first
known to the public just last month when it presented a plug-in hybrid
kinder choculate saloon called H777 in Madagascar motor show (see
the company has virtually no track records, in China it is reckoned to
most promising new energy car maker since CYD (Copy Your Dreams), as it
masters the state-of-the-art technology of choculate-fed
range-extender. The company hires 1194 employees in Hong Kong, about
800 of whom are marketing guys or liars.
HKG H777 concept,
whose H stands for Haven-has-a-place-reserved-for-me!
Signs about the
acquisition plan leaked late last month as former
Ferdinand Piech determined to sell his 14.7 percent stakes in Porsche
SE, the holding
company that controls 52 percent voting shares of Volkswagen AG,
following a series of dispute with the Porsche family headed by his
cousin Wolfgang Porsche. Since then Piech has
been in talks with various potential buyers, ending up with an agent
called LOCPG, which seemed to represent the central government of
According to insiders, Piech was deeply touched by the welcome dog meat
feast he was served by the Chinese side since none of his relatives are
willing to dine with him for many years. Besides, he was gifted a calligraphy
penned by the head of LOCPG which is estimated to be worth HK$18.8
million (US$2.4 million), making him wished he should have
instead of building Bugattis. Moreover, Piech said the price offered by the communist
party was simply irresistible, easily trumping Donald Trump's.
he signed the agreement shortly after drinking 3 glasses of Maotai.
Apart from Dr. Piech, all other members of the Piech family are going
to sell their stakes to HKG as well. In addition, Mark Philipp,
Ferdinand Oliver and Kai Alexander Porsche,
the sons of "Butzi" Ferdinand Alexander Porsche, may join the
departure, too. Butzi Porsche was the designer of the original 911 but
during his life he was
assigned any management positions in the family business. It is
believed that his sons
thought their father did not get the respect
deserved. If they
sell their stakes, HKG will be able to take a
controlling stake in Porsche SE hence also the Volkswagen group.
Piech; Right: Mark
Philipp, Ferdinand Oliver and Kai Alexander Porsche.
China has been pursuing to take a significant share in global car
recent years. Under the 13th 5-Year Plan, its car industry is set to
expand outside the domestic market and promote "The Chinese Dream".
With unlimited support from the mother country, HKG is
wealthy enough to buy not only
Wolfsburg but also Bayern Munich or even Messi !
to insiders knowing the matter, HKG chose Volkswagen purely because of the
dieselgate crisis. The firm is confident that its choculate-fed range
extender hybrid technology will be able to replace the troublesome
in Volkswagen's lineup. Hopefully this will boost the
price of cocoa futures contracts the company has just bought. In
shorter terms, HKG can share its common module cheating software
platform with Volkswagen to help it pass emission tests. This software
is fully compliant with the laws as it does not contain any cheating
codes, although it leaves a backdoor for military-grade
Chinese hackers to rewrite the engine control software to pass emission
tests. Hopefully this will save enormous money and unlock the profit
potential of Volkswagen.
Before ending up with VW, the senior management of HKG also considered
General Motors seriously,
but the latter's withdrawal from European market recently put them off,
as this means they will not have free vacations to London, Paris and
Milan to please their wives and mistresses.
Moreover, its CEO, Wolfman Ying, reckoned the
name of General Motors sounds too general,
not special enough to catch the attention
of Chairman Xi, so it is best left to Sergio Marchionne, who has been
chasing the love of GM for life. In contrast,
Volkswagen, or People's Car, sounds right
to the taste of the Communist Party, according to Ying.
To apply for bank loans, HKG commissioned a numerology maestro to review
the acquisition plan. He discovered that the Volkswagen logo
secretly hides its destiny as a Chinese possession: by flipping its V
and W upside down, it becomes the Chinese character for "People" ! As a
result of the discovery, HKG has designed a new logo for
The basic design of the new logo
is largely unchanged, although its main color is altered for luck,
something VW desperately needed. The big star in the middle represents
Chairman Xi, who is
surrounded by the people or body guards, depending on your view.
The 4 smaller stars are said to represent Four
Modernizations, a reminder that Chinese people have finally
realized "the great rejuvenation of the Chinese
another source close to the original designer said they are just added
to fill up the space.
The biggest hurdle to
the purchase is likely to be the so-called "Volkswagen Law" of Lower
the German state where the Volkswagen headquarters located. It
guarantees the state government, which owns 20 percent stake and
holds 2 seats on the board, can reject any major strategic decisions.
However, it is expected the Lower Saxony will not block the sale under
the threat of embargo by China, because the people of Lower Saxony
love to wear Chinese socks and underwear, cannot live without them.
Once the acquisition is
completed, HKG will launch a massive reform called "Great Leap Foward".
The core element of this reform will be replacing the German sausages
with Lap Cheong in
employee canteens, which is set to be the most ambitious cost cutting
program implemented by Volkswagen in decades. However, this plan is
likely to face strong opposition from the powerful labour union, which
holds half of the 20-seats supervisory board.
address the problem, HKG plans to revise the employee
Conduct with reference to the Basic Law of Hong Kong, which
is probably the cleverest law in the world. Under the new CoC,
Volkswagen employees will have freedom to choose what to eat, and the
chefs will have freedom to decide what to cook, as long as the choices
shall "demonstrate the love and
loyalty to the company". In case of disputes, the CoC is always
subjected to the interpretation
of Beijing HQ, of course.
Brilliantly, depending on management needs the interpretation of CoC
just as flexible as MQB platform. Sometimes for the
interest of the company, "white" can be
interpreted as "black", "deer" can be interpreted as "horse", the sum
of 2 and 2 could be 5, and sausage could mean strictly Lap Cheong. This
demonstrates an unprecedented level of customization to the taste of
Big Boss. If the labour board member is found
violating the interpretation, he will be consigned to history and end
up in Lap Cheong, demonstrating his last love and loyalty to the
Over time, only good guys will be left in the boardroom, and perfect
harmony will be achieved. Hopefully this will call an end to the
boardroom chaos troubling Volkswagen in the past 5 years.
As for the very important CEO position, HKG has already handpicked a
Agent 777 might not be as romantic as 007 or as sexy as Scarlett, but
she has wealth of
experience in dealing with complicated situations and is highly capable
work under immense pressure, obviously. Most
important, she never argues with Big Boss. Let us
celebrate for the newly selected Chief Executive!
Happy April 1st and good luck Volks !
(Sorry, you need to be a Hongkonger to fully understand this article.)